the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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