took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
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An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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