Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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