I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
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Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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