Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
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She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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