U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is classic penis vs brain.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize