Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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