she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
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Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
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You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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