Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Come back. Shots need mouths.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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