Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
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I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
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Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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