The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
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Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
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Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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