I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
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no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
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I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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