im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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