Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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