I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize