dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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