she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
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I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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