I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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