Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
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i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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