she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
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You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
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i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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