I feel great
I just peed on a car
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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