Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
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she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
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Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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