I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
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If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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