Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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