i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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