The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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