dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
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I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
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You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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