i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
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you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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