so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize