Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
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the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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