I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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