She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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