Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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