We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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