you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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