Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
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I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
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He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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