I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize