yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize