I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
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you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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