This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
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I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
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all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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