I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You pole danced in your parka.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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