someone threw a dead crab at me
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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