I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
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I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
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Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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