Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
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He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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