I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
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My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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