I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
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It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
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There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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