im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize