A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
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John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
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You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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