I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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