i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
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I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
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I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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